It was very interesting. I had prepped myself heavily beforehand, grounding deeply, telling myself, “This is not about the money, and it’s not about whether anybody likes what I’m doing. It’s about strengthening and deepening my connection and commitment to the music. It’s about the moment, it’s about the practice and it’s about the singing.”

I kept repeating that, over and over. I had to, because all around me people were doing exactly what I do around buskers: hunching slightly and hurrying past as though I were a torturous gauntlet they had to pass through. As though if they paused for a second or gave a sign that they heard a single note I was singing, they’d be obliged to shell out hard-earned cash and they were determined not to do that.

It was an education all right. I could see myself in them immediately. It was easy not to take it personally though, because it’s so clearly not about whether the music is any good. When I see a busker on the street, my own body adopts that hunch, I turn away slightly, and I walk a little faster and avoid eye contact. Above all I try my hardest not to hear any of the music. As though I have my fingers in my ears, reciting the multiplication tables to myself. I had never realized that I do that! But I totally do!

I admit… I’m scared of buskers. I’m scared to look at them, scared to listen, scared to give them anything. I’m scared that I owe them something just for being there. I’m scared that if I like their music then I’ll feel bad about not giving them money, and I don’t want to give them money. I resent them as though they are demanding something of me, I resist them as if they are grabbing at me. It’s all projection, and I don’t know yet what the root of it is. But I’m not alone in it, and that became clear.

This is all very unconscious; I don’t tend to be aware of this process in myself at all. A light has turned on in that room inside me and it’s cringe-inducing to see myself in that glare. This gives me something to work with, all right. I don’t understand why I have these feelings, or why anybody does, but I’m very glad to be unearthing this stuff. It feels potent, as though the key to some mystery I’ve been attempting to resolve might be hidden in here someplace.

Still, I had fun. I pulled out the covers I knew that seemed energetic enough to be heard over the traffic and sang quite a few of my own songs too. All in all I played for a little over an hour, and I made just under the minimum wage. Most of that–$6–came in the last five minutes of that hour, from one woman who worked in the shop I was standing outside of. She said, “I liked your ‘Ghost Riders’” and dropped in three toonies. Lesson learned: it pays (literally) to play those covers.

I quit when I had to pee and had to pack up to find a toilet. I made enough to cover my gas (my car gets good mileage), and I didn’t want to push it, feeling some soreness in my throat from singing so hard for that long, competing with the outside noises. I’ll try again tomorrow, with more awareness, and we’ll see if anything changes.

It’s the Taurus New Moon today! Time for grounding and getting real.

I’ve been a busy girl—it’s been a while since I had time to write. Experiences pile up when you don’t write regularly! And then I feel overwhelmed by things to say and so don’t say them, and so more experiences pile up and more things to talk about. Whew!

News first: “Salon Phoenix” starts next Tuesday at SoulSpeak and will take place on alternate Tuesdays following (look for me under ‘Weavers’ on the SoulSpeak website). Each evening will revolve around a particular theme; I’ll sing an hour’s worth or so of songs that explore that theme from various angles, then we’ll do an hour of discussion and interactive exercises that develop the theme further.

Next Tuesday’s theme will be: ‘Finding Guidance Within’. I hope you can make it out. I’ll send announcements out a week or so ahead of each Salon evening.

My house concert at SoulSpeak takes place on the 31st of May; I’ll be sending reminders of that as well when the time approaches.

I’m stepping off a scary edge in myself–I’ve decided to try busking on the streets. This is something I’ve pictured myself doing in the past, but never quite had the proper sequence of opportunity, desire and willingness! As of today (the Taurus New Moon seemed the appropriate time to take this step), I am the proud holder of an official City of Duncan busking permit, so expect to find me occupying random street corners over the spring and summer. I also plan to apply for a permit in Nanaimo.

Why busk? I hadn’t realized this, but in some folks’ minds there’s a stigma, as though buskers are ‘merely panhandlers’. I was surprised to hear this recently from a musician who admitted he’d always wanted to try it but never had because he didn’t want to be seen as as some sort of beggar.

I enjoy buskers, though. I admit to a bit of an icky guilty feeling if I can’t afford (or don’t want) to toss money into their guitar cases, so I must share that bias too, a little. Still, I want to try it, partly because it’s an opportunity to make some good love dollars playing music (I can’t think of a good reason why not), and partly for the experience, as a form of dues-paying.

My new busker friend Joseph tells me that busking got him off the street. Musicians receive money to play their music all the time; street performance has a time-honoured tradition and I’m proud to join the ranks. Thus goes the internal pep talk. It’s true. Why not be proud?

Truth is, I can really use the experience and practice playing in front of people, whether they are bustling by on their way to someplace else, pausing to hear a few bars or even settling down nearby to enjoy the music. There is a kind of magic to playing in the presence of others, attentive or not, that doesn’t happen playing alone, and alone is how I nearly always play unless I’m performing. And the whole wandering minstrel mystique appeals to me in a big way. So wish me luck, and if you happen to pass by, a toonie in the case would be well-received .

It’s very scary, though, and that tells me it will be excellent for me to do it. I am moving in the direction of my fear these days and finding vistas of joy and good feelings open up as a result.

In addition to the salons and the busking, I continue to play and gain experience at the open mics in the area, on Gabriola Island at the Roxie this coming Saturday and at the Dancing Bean the first Saturday of every month. I also have become a regular at the Nanaimo Singer-Songwriter Circles at the Mermaid’s Mug, the second Thursday of the month. I feel I’m growing a family of very supportive musical friends and starting to really accept my self-identity as a musician.

I once was a wannabe. Now I am. Sweet. The feedback I receive after the open mics and songwriter circles has been superlative. I’m almost embarrassed to keep reporting it. Ok, I’ll tell you a little bit of it :-).

After the Dancing Bean last Saturday, an audience member said, “It’s nice to hear somebody singing Leonard Cohen songs who can actually sing!” That gave me a laugh. Someone else compared my voice, in the same sentence, to both Bjork and Suzanne Vega (who sound absolutely nothing like each other). Last month I was compared to Buffy St. Marie. Either my voice is constantly changing, or I don’t sound like anybody and so I get compared to other woman singers who also don’t sound like anybody! I love it!

I definitely feel a great improvement in my singing ability, thanks in no small part to Penny Sidor who has been coaching me over email. Thank you Penny!! The exercises and visualizations have helped tremendously. I feel a mini-revolution in my voice, and I’m all about revolution!

I’ve been recently told, variously, that I have an ‘absolutely riveting stage presence,’ that I ‘had them in the palm of my hand,’ and that I’m ‘mesmerizing and entertaining.’ Since these similar bits of feedback came from three different sources at three different venues, I’m having to take it seriously! What, little ole me? There’s my perfectionistic, self-minimizing Virgo rising perspective for you. But I’m learning to accept that perhaps I’m a wee bit interesting after all. Mostly I’m growing a solid commitment to this musical path, and I imagine it shows.

I had an epiphany around that recently. For a long time I’ve talked myself out of taking my musical self very seriously because I felt I was ‘too old’. There is a strong consensus in society that music is the sphere of the young, and I’ve never really questioned that. I wallowed in self-pity and regret that I ‘gave my precious and fleeting youth’ to raising kids instead of pursuing my dream.

Then I realized something that awakened me and allowed me to begin to take myself seriously again. It is this: Johnny Cash, who was my very favourite singer throughout my childhood, and who remained fresh, vital and relevant for his entire long career, released his best album just before he died in his eighties. This was my epiphany: I don’t ever have to stop! I can continue getting better for as long as I live; in fact, if I keep doing it, I can only get better. I can write songs, and sing them, and I have a good thirty years left of growing and deepening. That’s a plenty long time. What a release, what a relief to realize, I can do this!

My life keeps opening like a beautiful flower, and I recently surprised myself by noticing that I now view myself as a happy person. In the past, I’ve had many pleasurable and joyful experiences, but since my childhood I felt myself to be rather dark and even bitter. My default facial expression in my youth was a resentful sort of pout; I first noticed permanent frown lines between my eyes at the age of eleven. Now my internal emotional climate has shifted. I am a happy person who occasionally has dark moods. Even when I feel dark, the light embraces the darkness and I feel simply, strongly optimistic and utterly confident of my ability to move through the darkness with all of myself present with me. I have fallen in love with life!

I’m also having a wonderfully profound and sweet time doing card readings these days. The cards have a life of their own and I just have to get out of their way and let them talk to people. It’s a lesson in magic, for me as much as the people I read for. I am not a psychic; I don’t ‘psee’ into their souls or anything like that. Instead, I let the cards talk to them, and they are so clear and direct that I don’t have to say a lot. It’s amazing to see what a lucid picture the card readings paint, over and over, and it’s incredibly heart-opening to see the ways that the cards melt people. I am falling in love with people.

Tears do flow on a regular basis, though I try not to mention that part for fear of frightening the poor souls who come to me more than they already are. Every day that I am set up to do readings, somebody comes by and says some variation of “I’m tempted, but I’m scared. I don’t want to know.” Yet I’ve witnessed powerful transfigurations in those brief 15-minute take place when the ones who are most frightened are willing to say ‘yes’.

Really I am as much of a skeptic as anyone, deep down. I first painted the cards without an agenda. They just happened, the way a baby is born. I began reading with them because they were there, primarily as a form of entertainment, and I welcomed the opportunity to show my art too, for I put a great deal of creativity into the design and execution of the deck. I’m as astonished and moved as my customers are by the unerring accuracy of these readings.

Recently I acquired ‘The Faeries’ Oracle’ by well-known Fey artist Brian Froud and I’ve begun using it as a supplemental deck with my own for those who seek (and are willing to pay for) a more in-depth reading. The faeries are tremendously helpful and fun to work with! I believe each card IS a faerie—yes—I do believe in faeries. I do! I do!

Just watch me: I’ll end up being an itinerant street performer and gypsy fortune-teller! My life’s ambition realized! My children will be so proud!

I hope you are all having a blissful spring. Part of my euphoria today in particular has to do with the long-awaited warmth and sunshine. How can one not be happy on such a day? Floral-scented breezes wafting through the treeses, ahhh…

Salon Phoenix is coming

I’m very excited to announce my new project, hot off the presses! A few minutes ago, I sent this email to my friend at SoulSpeak:

Great talking to you yesterday!! I found myself inspired and sparked into other possibilities afterward. I’m looking at my 100%–what do I REALLY want to be doing? Do I want to be teaching classes and workshops right now? No… I’m not ready for that, and perhaps it’s not really my path. I seem to be experiencing great resistance around it. I want to be teaching, yes, but I want to have fun with it and have it be fun for people. I want to teach through singing and talking. My house concert on Saltspring was lovely–the discussion afterward was stimulating, lively and very enlightening, and I was the ‘host and moderator’, facilitating and guiding the talk which was inspired by the content of the songs. And there was talk between songs, too. It really worked.

Then I recalled the very first remark that was written in my little comments book after my first house concert last fall, which began (caps hers) ‘This was a perfect evening or ‘SALON’” and a light went on… I wrote down, ‘Salon Phoenix’.

I’d like to reserve Tuesday evenings for this and do regular informal salons in which I will sing, talk and be stimulating (as I can!). This will benefit me, because I really need a regular venue, at least once a week in which to polish my songs in front of people, and it will also give others a chance to get to know me and my material and what I have to offer. Somebody mentioned to me recently a study that showed that people have to be exposed to something new a minimum of seven times before it sinks in.

I would love to try this, starting next Tuesday… I will show up and play my music, with no amp or mic, just informal me and my guitar, and I’ll put the word out to my network and create something for you to put the word out too. It’s possible no one will come for the first time or two, but I want to start it anyway, open the space and vibration and create magic with my intention and love.

This would be different from the bigger, more formal house concerts like the one we’re planning at the end of May; it is a sort of prepare-the-ground time for that, to generate interest and to give me the experience I need.

She responded immediately in the enthusiastic affirmative, so we’re on! I’ll post more details as I know them, and I’ll be creating some promo material soon too. I love spring.

Lots of news in my webly world–and my really world too! I’ve made some changes to the format on the website. I removed the ‘astroblog’ because it seemed redundant. The worthy astrological and metaphysical postings I’ll link to on the ‘articles‘ page, with the aim of keeping it simple. Everything gets posted here anyway. It’s all an experiment, ever-changing and rearranging, just like life.

I’ve created a new page for a listing of upcoming performances, the link to which has replaced ‘astroblog’ in the menu bar. I’ll be updating that one often, so do check in. It looks pretty good when it’s all laid out that way! I’m particularly looking forward the house concert at SoulSpeak which is coming up at the end of May. Look for more information about that one, coming soon. And do check out the brand spanking new SoulSpeak website, isn’t it lovely? I can be found on the ‘SoulSpeak Weavers’ page, and what a community of offerings we are spinning here!

Speaking of SoulSpeak, I’ve decided to postpone the classes I’ve been planning to offer. Instead, I will start off with evening workshops (to be announced) and work my way up to ongoing classes as interest is generated.

The house concert last weekend on Saltspring was a sweet treat indeed. A smallish group cuddled on couches and chairs and the floor listening with every appearance of enthrallment, feeding my Leo Moon with waves of appreciation. Blissful sigh of satisfaction… we ended the evening with a kind of salon, a stimulating group discussion about everything under the sun which was inspired by the lyrical content of many of the songs.

And I collected a couple of comments which I’ll be adding to my testimonials page. This one is my favourite (from a young woman traveling from Australia):

“Heartfelt. Brave. Expressive. Everything I aspire to be in my music, myself, my life. I hope one day I am able to bring them together, connect, with the eloquence and beauty you have. Thank you.” - Amelia

My goodness. Thank YOU, Amelia. That’s the sort of response that gives me strength and courage to continue, makes me feel I’m on the right track after all. I have my moments of despair (being a creative depressive with a tendency to shoot myself down on the slightest provocation), and these comments are pure gold for getting me through those moments.

Here’s another:

“Love your faery song and the one you wrote for women’s camp. You have a unique gift for songwriting. Thanks for sharing.”

and

“When you sing, I feel our presence of Gaia. Singing, speaking, blessing, teaching, healing.”

and

“Thanks be! Thank you Phoenix for giving your being in song for the good of All.”

All right. I deserve to live after all. Sweet. That’s a joke, Mom. Sorry. Dark humour is my forte, though not everybody finds it funny. Repeat after me: “I will not worry about Phee.”

To quote a Talking Heads song that I love to sing, “I’m okay, I know nothing’s wrong.” I feel good today. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, spring is approaching through the chill in the air. Blessings and goodness.

Click on the thumbnail below to see the full-sized poster for this event

Spring is here at last, and life begins anew, springing forth from the wintry void. I hope you are all getting in tune with the juicy joyful risings of this sweet season. I know I am!

I am thrilled to be performing a house concert on Saltspring next week. I’ve worked hard all winter to get ready for spring and feeling very ready to begin performing again. I’ve been playing regularly all winter at various open mics in the area (the Dancing Bean in Chemainus, the Gabriola open mic with Penny Sidor and the Nanaimo Singer-Songwriter Circles at the Mermaid’s Mug) and I have lots of new songs. It’s been an inspired winter and the songs just keep coming.

The show starts at 8 pm; cost is $12. The venue is intimate; it’s best to get childcare for the kids. There should be plenty of time to catch the ferry home afterward if you don’t already live on Saltspring or have a place to stay there.

If you are interested in coming, please email me and I’ll send you a Google Maps link so you can find the place.

Happy spring!

My friend Shauna said to me this morning (laughing), “You couldn’t promote yourself out of a paper bag!” And I had to laugh rather than be offended because despite appearances (this blog and all the self-trumpeting I do online) it’s so freakin true.

I played the open mic at the Dancing Bean Cafe again last night. I’ve done that every month for a few months now, and every time I get positive feedback, I think of all the things I coulda shoulda done to promote myself.

And you know, I really shoulda. Last night I got the best feedback! it was a golden opportunity for self-promotion. When folks were praising my superlative wonderfulness, did I say anything like “Thank you! I have a house concert on Saltspring this Friday, if you’d like to hear more,” or “Would you like to join my mailing list?” or “Here’s my card,” or “If you’re interested I have a CD for sale from my former band, TreeRoots Revolution,” well, duh. No. I didn’t. All I could think of was the ‘thank you’ bit. And I smiled and nodded a lot.

Once again, I ‘forgot’ to bring business cards. I ‘forgot’ to bring CDs. I ‘forgot’ to mention the house concert. And I ‘forgot’ about the mailing list. I could call it a mental block, but that’s a cop-out. It’s an emotional block. I’m scared to say nice things about myself in a real, live, in-person way. I’m actually very shy, even bashful, about what I do, the ways that I put myself onstage and sing my own heart out.

I blame my childhood (that’s always easiest, and often true). I was embarrassed, growing up, about the ways I stood out from the other kids. I had a big family, lots of siblings, step-siblings and cousins my age, and my parents and other relatives tried to treat us all equally. I interpreted that to mean, “Nobody’s any better than anybody else. Nobody’s special. Stop bragging. Don’t be so conceited.” And that was hard for me, because I was quite the gifted little hotshot, what with my succession of straight A’s, singing at grown-up parties, awards for artwork and all. I tried hard to be quiet about it so I wouldn’t stand out. I got real good at being quiet. Too good.

Now I find myself called on to put myself out there in all the ways I was discouraged as a kid. It’s weird. It’s hard. I’m not so good at it yet, but I suppose I’ll learn, being no dummy.

I’ll pass on the nice things other people said to me last night in the hopes it will sink in. Maybe I’ll get that it’s okay to blow my own horn. It’s my horn. If I’m scared to blow it, why should anybody else?

A lot more was said last night, but these are the words that stand out in my memory:

(from a table of women who beamed and bobbed agreement with their spokeswoman as I left the stage) “You were wonderful! What a lovely voice, how gifted you are! And you were so present–that’s not easy to do–you had us in the palm of your hand!”

(from a man who sought me out during the break) “That was a great song–that Mother Earth song. And that Leonard Cohen song, wow, I’ve never heard it done that way. You took it to so many different places. It was just beautiful.”

(And from Phil, emcee / sound guy and member of the awesome host band, the Flying Accusations) “That was a dynamite set! That’s the best you’ve ever played here! What have you been doing?”

Phil then gave me a pep talk, with some suggestions for next time. “Next time, I want you to come on earlier in the first set, because I want you to set the tone.” And, “Next time, I’m going to turn the sound up on you. Way up. I don’t want them to have the option of not listening.”

He had other things to say of a similar vein. Was this guy drunk? Was he coming on to me? Really, I didn’t get that vibe. He just wanted me to get how well I did. He was very sweet. At the end of the night, he gave me a hug and said, “You’re part of the family now.”

Thanks, Phil. I feel honoured.

Beauty is the bottom line
I am told
The equation:
Youth plus beauty equals lovability
With beauty an ever-decreasing value
As age increases

Female value
Depreciates faster
Than male
Which is why older men, even poor
Can look good
Be rated worthy

My chances of
getting laid with love
Have shrunk in proportion
To my rating according to the equation

Despite my increasing sexual power,
Communication skills, lovingness
Unquenchable fire, passion
And capacity for pleasure

I am a better lover than
Twenty years ago
But men wanted me then
While now, I find myself
Shelved
In the name of
Beauty

I don’t believe it
Somewhere must be a man
Who hasn’t swallowed
That poison

I’ve uploaded a wealth of new song for your listening enjoyment… these are from a house concert in Duncan a couple of weeks ago which was recorded on decent equipment by a good friend (thanks, Rick). These are live, raw and flawed, with the odd musical imperfection, the occasional random percussive sound of kids pounding on the ceiling (their floor) overhead and distractions caused by a kitten cavorting cutely. Such is the nature of the live experience…

Christmas Presence written last December in Toronto, inspired by the frantic urban Christmas experience.
Something About Christmas (a capella Christmas song, written a few years ago)
Cup of Clay
Because
A Woman Like Me
Death to Sacred Cows
Fat Naked Woman
For Waiting
Freedom is Salvation (new song, debut performance)
Red Hands
Fool’s Gold
Midnight Flea Circus
Drown
Lilith
Beauty is Free a capella
Obvious (a capella)
The Way to Say Goodbye (a capella)
Fishbelly Skin

More songs here: myspace.com/phoenixwolfray

I have a myspace page now, it’s pretty bare bones but it has songs available for listening, including my Christmas songs. They’re much better quality recordings than what I’ve had so far; from a recent house concert and recorded on good equipment. I’ve made the Christmas songs downloadable, so please feel free. Enjoy. And Merry Christmas. If you have a myspace page, please add me as a friend. I can use all the friends I can get.

myspace/phoenixwolfray

What does one say? In the aftermath, post-blossom and pre-crash, I feel bliss and a wish for more. To heap praises upon my own head is considered crass, yet praises were heaped and I would but repeat them. Ego and over-inflation of same is a problem in our world, one I have strained to avoid. I trained myself (as I was trained) to wait in shadowed corners, to applaud those standing brightly brandishing their wands in the spotlight, and I politely diverted attention inadvertently directed my way.

“Don’t notice me,” I’d state primly, virtuous in girlish modesty. “Don’t look, and don’t listen. I am no one. Look at HIM.” When I took the stage with others, it was them I sought to support, whose voices supplanted, superseded and defeated mine. Now, for the first time, I stand alone, and I have grown.

To stand in the light, to allow others to look at me, listen to me, notice me goes against every habit of my soul, yet these solo flights have ignited my flesh with fresh awakenings. At last, I believe that the shining eyes of those who receive must mean something. I am finally shedding my monstrously egotistical modesty (thinking myself special in being the one with nothing special to offer). At last, I acknowledge that I have a voice that gives pleasure, that enlightens, awakens, moves and soothes. At last, I believe.

I sang. I opened my mouth, shaped it around words and melodies graved so deeply I need not struggle to remember, and I let the wind blow through me. I grew. I filled with light and life, I smiled, I was (in the words of one present) “so charming.” This feedback disarms my cynical self-hater who sees nothing to admire in the mirror, which has slowly attenuated to a ghost, a wisp from past realities, losing credence and power. Now, I can stand on the ground and own my sound. I have a voice. This is what I do.

In short, I blew me away, that self which identifies with what others might think (as filtered through the judgments, self-shaming and belittling which has passed for ego, the the opposite and inverse of self-importance: self-negation). This doesn’t mean I’m suddenly a pillar of confidence, but I now have some ground to stand on. I’m still shy about initiating—(it takes a huge surge of motivation to compel me to attend an open mic)—but once there, newly centered confidence displaces the habitual shame.

Lyrics to my newest songs reflect a freshly-fledged sense of readiness: “I have a song, and I’m not afraid to sing it.” “I’m ready to become the one I really want to be.” “I have a choice, and this what I do.”

Alas, it is a sad statement on the state of my internal atmosphere that I actually feel ashamed of feeling good about no longer feeling bad about myself, and embarrassed about that. How convoluted, how twisted, how strange!

This is me, changing. This is me, learning who I am, accepting and transforming.

Glory hallefrigginlujah. And about time.