Breathing my breath in this moment, I notice tension in my shoulders, a band of confining iron. Some unconscious part, watchful of being watched. When I catch sight of my fleshy form in the mirror, I sneer with sideways parts that deny being me, that pretend to be ‘Them’.

You know the ones. ‘Others.’ Those parts of self claim not to be me so they can get away with flagellating my heart. I look pathetic to them, powerless and pointless. Silly of me to listen, but sometimes I am drawn into their sucking hole.

I forgive myself, and breath again.

(click on image to enlarge)

Today, the sun’s alchemy
brightens birds, breakers,
snowcaps and clouds
to dazzling brilliance
beyond mere white.
Indigo, lapis and teal seas
roll in perpetual motion
witnessed by distance-misted
lavender mountains.

Air, chill in shade,
heats happily in sun’s rays.
Eagles’ chittering scree
blends with seabirds’ keening,
brewed into synesthetic stew
with reek of rotting herring roe,
mellowed by woodsmoke.

Every sense comes alive,
every cell revives
jubilating in vividness.
Here, where sea meets land,
Earth’s blessings are
most bountiful. Where
wind strokes skin, bringing
malodorous decay
and clamourous continuance,
life and death are one
and the same.

June 20 marks 2012 days until the year 2012… and the countdown begins! A great change is impending. What that will look like I can’t tell, though I can safely predict how it will feel. Beginning in April 2011 and completing in February 2012, the watery depths rise to enfold us, delighting those who love darkness as they love the light and frightening fools who shun their shadows.

Neptune’s ingress into Pisces, her own style, makes me smile, for Great Mother in Her power can only portend pleasure for those of Her children who listen and surrender without abandoning themselves.

This band thing is messing with my head. The cool thing I was a part of has morphed into a new cool thing I’m not part of. I support what my tribesters are creating and I bless them in my heart but I grieve the loss of my part in it. I came alive in that circle, playing my drum, learning bass, sharing an inclusive, ever-growing magical flow.

Something shifted, the structure solidified, a band was born. I’ll groove on the dancefloor and it’ll be glorious, but not what it was. Would be nice to have Monday back for jamming.

I meant to go, but time ticked by and I couldn’t get my butt out the door. I’m glad it was good, but how else could it have been? I don’t like missing out, but no matter where I am, I’m going to miss out on something. Where I was happened to be the best place to be, given how I felt. I’ll miss out on a lot while I’m away for half the next year, but I’ll experience other things I wouldn’t have here. I’ll trust the natural balance of life and my impression that it keeps getting better.

Elusive poetry beckons,
becomes mundane, emptied
of meaning
I seek to speak deeper
than mind, to find
poems swimming in
my fishy depths
Slick visions escape my grasp
nibble coy at fingertips

I cast the unbaited hook
barbless, fish for
a volunteer sacrifice
an emergent dream that
dares to become a poem

I lose, I humble self
Confess my desperate need
for greedy mouths
to feed, to ease my aching
engorged brain
this fullness finds no relief
Please, paint me pictures
of truth, be it blessing
or bane

I beg, sink to their depths
Breathe their water
Die their death

Something has shifted inside, hard to say what or if it will last, but I like it. Might be as simple as rising early for a change (perhaps that last phrase is literal)… this helps me see the day differently. I’ve had a full day and it’s still light out, only partly due to the premature time change; mainly it’s down to being conscious for longer.

I’m great as long as I stay away from future-think. Never mind what that bad Joker said. “Think about the future, Jack.” I’ll stick with the present, for now (for however long ‘now’ lasts).

Spring is here, whatya know about that? Outside, a great flapping white cloud of gulls puts me in mind of enormous snowflakes, and it’s cold enough that I’m surprised it isn’t actually snowing, but the calendar claims it’s spring.

I took some lovely ultra-closeup shots of spring flowers yesterday just to prove that it’s really here. Without that evidence, I might not be able to tell just yet.

Isn’t spring glorious? Here we have proof positive that miracles happen, and every year we take it for granted. How can anyone with open eyes continue to doubt that magic is real?

I said no to music tonight, a tough call, but incipient headache and residual wooziness made it seem like a nice time to curl up in the studio with my computer.

This heater runs hot and cold: it heats too long, then stays off too long. To compound the annoyance, it’s twenty feet across the room from where I’m sitting on the bed, lap occupied by laptop.

Still, I can breathe despite the alternating stuffiness and chill, I have nearly enough water, I can hear the bass thumping from the house and my head only hurts a little. Who’s complaining?

Up late writing into the night, so I forgot to write these measly 100 words. And I’m not finished. Damn deadlines! They show up out of the blue despite the fact that I know exactly when they’re coming, the same date every month. Fortunately the stakes (and the rewards, alas) are low, and I always get it done, even if a day or two later than I wish.

Feeling a lot better. Music tonight; I hope I will be able to stay vertical and perhaps even participate. Well, the couch is here should I need to lie down and listen.