It’s the Taurus New Moon today! Time for grounding and getting real.

I’ve been a busy girl—it’s been a while since I had time to write. Experiences pile up when you don’t write regularly! And then I feel overwhelmed by things to say and so don’t say them, and so more experiences pile up and more things to talk about. Whew!

News first: “Salon Phoenix” starts next Tuesday at SoulSpeak and will take place on alternate Tuesdays following (look for me under ‘Weavers’ on the SoulSpeak website). Each evening will revolve around a particular theme; I’ll sing an hour’s worth or so of songs that explore that theme from various angles, then we’ll do an hour of discussion and interactive exercises that develop the theme further.

Next Tuesday’s theme will be: ‘Finding Guidance Within’. I hope you can make it out. I’ll send announcements out a week or so ahead of each Salon evening.

My house concert at SoulSpeak takes place on the 31st of May; I’ll be sending reminders of that as well when the time approaches.

I’m stepping off a scary edge in myself–I’ve decided to try busking on the streets. This is something I’ve pictured myself doing in the past, but never quite had the proper sequence of opportunity, desire and willingness! As of today (the Taurus New Moon seemed the appropriate time to take this step), I am the proud holder of an official City of Duncan busking permit, so expect to find me occupying random street corners over the spring and summer. I also plan to apply for a permit in Nanaimo.

Why busk? I hadn’t realized this, but in some folks’ minds there’s a stigma, as though buskers are ‘merely panhandlers’. I was surprised to hear this recently from a musician who admitted he’d always wanted to try it but never had because he didn’t want to be seen as as some sort of beggar.

I enjoy buskers, though. I admit to a bit of an icky guilty feeling if I can’t afford (or don’t want) to toss money into their guitar cases, so I must share that bias too, a little. Still, I want to try it, partly because it’s an opportunity to make some good love dollars playing music (I can’t think of a good reason why not), and partly for the experience, as a form of dues-paying.

My new busker friend Joseph tells me that busking got him off the street. Musicians receive money to play their music all the time; street performance has a time-honoured tradition and I’m proud to join the ranks. Thus goes the internal pep talk. It’s true. Why not be proud?

Truth is, I can really use the experience and practice playing in front of people, whether they are bustling by on their way to someplace else, pausing to hear a few bars or even settling down nearby to enjoy the music. There is a kind of magic to playing in the presence of others, attentive or not, that doesn’t happen playing alone, and alone is how I nearly always play unless I’m performing. And the whole wandering minstrel mystique appeals to me in a big way. So wish me luck, and if you happen to pass by, a toonie in the case would be well-received .

It’s very scary, though, and that tells me it will be excellent for me to do it. I am moving in the direction of my fear these days and finding vistas of joy and good feelings open up as a result.

In addition to the salons and the busking, I continue to play and gain experience at the open mics in the area, on Gabriola Island at the Roxie this coming Saturday and at the Dancing Bean the first Saturday of every month. I also have become a regular at the Nanaimo Singer-Songwriter Circles at the Mermaid’s Mug, the second Thursday of the month. I feel I’m growing a family of very supportive musical friends and starting to really accept my self-identity as a musician.

I once was a wannabe. Now I am. Sweet. The feedback I receive after the open mics and songwriter circles has been superlative. I’m almost embarrassed to keep reporting it. Ok, I’ll tell you a little bit of it :-).

After the Dancing Bean last Saturday, an audience member said, “It’s nice to hear somebody singing Leonard Cohen songs who can actually sing!” That gave me a laugh. Someone else compared my voice, in the same sentence, to both Bjork and Suzanne Vega (who sound absolutely nothing like each other). Last month I was compared to Buffy St. Marie. Either my voice is constantly changing, or I don’t sound like anybody and so I get compared to other woman singers who also don’t sound like anybody! I love it!

I definitely feel a great improvement in my singing ability, thanks in no small part to Penny Sidor who has been coaching me over email. Thank you Penny!! The exercises and visualizations have helped tremendously. I feel a mini-revolution in my voice, and I’m all about revolution!

I’ve been recently told, variously, that I have an ‘absolutely riveting stage presence,’ that I ‘had them in the palm of my hand,’ and that I’m ‘mesmerizing and entertaining.’ Since these similar bits of feedback came from three different sources at three different venues, I’m having to take it seriously! What, little ole me? There’s my perfectionistic, self-minimizing Virgo rising perspective for you. But I’m learning to accept that perhaps I’m a wee bit interesting after all. Mostly I’m growing a solid commitment to this musical path, and I imagine it shows.

I had an epiphany around that recently. For a long time I’ve talked myself out of taking my musical self very seriously because I felt I was ‘too old’. There is a strong consensus in society that music is the sphere of the young, and I’ve never really questioned that. I wallowed in self-pity and regret that I ‘gave my precious and fleeting youth’ to raising kids instead of pursuing my dream.

Then I realized something that awakened me and allowed me to begin to take myself seriously again. It is this: Johnny Cash, who was my very favourite singer throughout my childhood, and who remained fresh, vital and relevant for his entire long career, released his best album just before he died in his eighties. This was my epiphany: I don’t ever have to stop! I can continue getting better for as long as I live; in fact, if I keep doing it, I can only get better. I can write songs, and sing them, and I have a good thirty years left of growing and deepening. That’s a plenty long time. What a release, what a relief to realize, I can do this!

My life keeps opening like a beautiful flower, and I recently surprised myself by noticing that I now view myself as a happy person. In the past, I’ve had many pleasurable and joyful experiences, but since my childhood I felt myself to be rather dark and even bitter. My default facial expression in my youth was a resentful sort of pout; I first noticed permanent frown lines between my eyes at the age of eleven. Now my internal emotional climate has shifted. I am a happy person who occasionally has dark moods. Even when I feel dark, the light embraces the darkness and I feel simply, strongly optimistic and utterly confident of my ability to move through the darkness with all of myself present with me. I have fallen in love with life!

I’m also having a wonderfully profound and sweet time doing card readings these days. The cards have a life of their own and I just have to get out of their way and let them talk to people. It’s a lesson in magic, for me as much as the people I read for. I am not a psychic; I don’t ‘psee’ into their souls or anything like that. Instead, I let the cards talk to them, and they are so clear and direct that I don’t have to say a lot. It’s amazing to see what a lucid picture the card readings paint, over and over, and it’s incredibly heart-opening to see the ways that the cards melt people. I am falling in love with people.

Tears do flow on a regular basis, though I try not to mention that part for fear of frightening the poor souls who come to me more than they already are. Every day that I am set up to do readings, somebody comes by and says some variation of “I’m tempted, but I’m scared. I don’t want to know.” Yet I’ve witnessed powerful transfigurations in those brief 15-minute take place when the ones who are most frightened are willing to say ‘yes’.

Really I am as much of a skeptic as anyone, deep down. I first painted the cards without an agenda. They just happened, the way a baby is born. I began reading with them because they were there, primarily as a form of entertainment, and I welcomed the opportunity to show my art too, for I put a great deal of creativity into the design and execution of the deck. I’m as astonished and moved as my customers are by the unerring accuracy of these readings.

Recently I acquired ‘The Faeries’ Oracle’ by well-known Fey artist Brian Froud and I’ve begun using it as a supplemental deck with my own for those who seek (and are willing to pay for) a more in-depth reading. The faeries are tremendously helpful and fun to work with! I believe each card IS a faerie—yes—I do believe in faeries. I do! I do!

Just watch me: I’ll end up being an itinerant street performer and gypsy fortune-teller! My life’s ambition realized! My children will be so proud!

I hope you are all having a blissful spring. Part of my euphoria today in particular has to do with the long-awaited warmth and sunshine. How can one not be happy on such a day? Floral-scented breezes wafting through the treeses, ahhh…

This entry was posted on Monday, May 5th, 2008 at 11:48 pm and is filed under songs and music, about me. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.