As this housesit winds to a close in mid-October, I’m considering where to live next. My options remain open: one in particular I especially hope for, though I’ll wait to say more about that. The future remains open to infinite possibilities; I am alternately thrilled and chilled to the bone with primal fear of the unknown.

In my life, the very best things have happened to me in years that end in seven.

1997: I met Pea, love of my life and continuing dear friend and lover in a new form.
1987: visited Hornby Island for the first time, moved there in January of 1988.
1977: gave birth to my first child.
1967 (Canada’s Centennial year): my mind opened to the wide world for the first time when the Centennial Train came to my northern town.
1957: I was born (kind of a big deal).

I expect wondrous things to come of this year, blessed be and amen to that. Yes. Woo hoo. And… that stirs some back-brain activity that might derail me if I don’t address it. I feel an essay coming:

The Secret, the Law of Attraction, Conscious Language all involve changing the shape of thoughts through the exercise of will; in other words, thinking differently in order to harness the power of positive thoughts to create a better reality for ourselves. Considerations of what sort of reality we try to create with these thoughts aside, it’s a very good idea, but like many good ideas, there are problems in practice.

In my experience, darker thoughts often spontaneously rise to contradict conscious intent, and this effectively cancels out positive reality-creation potential. Part of me believes while another part sneers in the background, seeing only the shadow cast by the light.

Example: “I love myself. I’m beautiful,” evokes an immediate, hidden, unconscious response: “What a crock. Nobody else loves me. I’m ugly even if I think I’m beautiful.” I can say positively, “Cancel that thought,” or “I release the judgment that nobody loves me and I’m ugly,” which helps, but until I get at the root causes for these thoughts, changes are merely cosmetic.

Becoming aware of the echoes and unconscious reactions to attempts to change and grow is an enlightening process, though changing the pattern of the thoughts isn’t quite as simple and easy as choosing differently, regardless of what ‘they say’.

In my experience and understanding, such rebellious and reactive thoughts simply can’t be controlled, and when we attempt to exert control, we fan the flames of our internal war which is reflected by the external conflicts plaguing the planet. Peace begins within, and is not attained by pouring oil on troubled waters nor through any form of enforced discipline. This is a consensus reality, and until we achieve true (ie, unforced) inner consensus, the majority will rule: so far, the majority of our being is confined to the subconscious.

These parts of self know something that the conscious mind doesn’t, and yes, they are sullen, rebellious, angry and intractable. Why shouldn’t they be? They know exactly how little we trust them, how unwilling we really are to face them, ask them who they are and what they really want. They know us better than we know them, for the divers in the deep can clearly see the swimmers in the light who circle above them, but the light-centric selves are blind to the denizens of the darkness, not to mention uninterested and judgmental.

When we judge some thoughts to be good and others to be bad, rather than exploring all thoughts from source to consequence, we ignore and effectively deny our power. The negative matters, yes, and we do know its potential for destructiveness; that is why we are so earnestly bent on controlling it. But we have no idea what might happen if we truly embrace our negativity and ask it to teach us what it knows.

Thought experiment:

Positive thought: “I am radiant and creative.” Negative response: “I am so full of shit.”

Ask: who said that?
Answer: somebody who knows your secrets.
Ask: what secrets?
Answer: everything, and I mean everything that you don’t like is within you. There’s no escape from your shadow.

Solution seems obvious: embrace and love what you have not liked. Sounds simple, but it’s not easy to pull off.

We need to humble ourselves in the face of our dark, angry, hurting, frightened, cynical selves, to accept that just maybe they know something we don’t. We have (the conscious ego) sought knowledge for so long, and attempted to teach, train, condition and control our subconscious minds which seem the source of so much unruliness, chaos and anxiety, but never have we slowed our search down and simply asked our wayward feelings, what do you know that I don’t know?

Answer: everything.
Ask: such as?
Answer: the premises of the reality under which you operate are fundamentally flawed. Erase and start over. Now.

We don’t like to hear that answer, nor do we want to believe it. Still, to pretend it is wrong just because it is inconvenient to believe appears insanely self-destructive. According to the view from below where such things can be seen, the very foundations of reality are cracked and rotten. All attempts to heal it have so far taken the form of concealing the rot, not changing anything in any real way. Like painting over rotting floorboards and covering them with a nice carpet, then acting surprised when the floor caves in.

Somewhere in the basement an alarm bell is clanging and all the positive thinking, profound discipline and learning in Creation will not make it stop. Only stopping what we are doing and letting ourselves feel how scared and angry we really are will do that, or at least open space to feel what to do and where to go next.

When we stop, we can feel the movement of the spheres, we can hear ourselves breathing. When we end the constant stream of mental lectures and instructions directed toward our lesser selves, we can begin to hear their point of view.

Listen: your body knows things that your mind does not. The flow of understanding has to start to move in different grooves, through circulating loops of feedback, and the knowledge can’t source from somebody else’s system, not ever. You have to feel your way through the particular weaving winding multidimensional labyrinth that is your own personal path, and nobody can teach you how.

Your body is your guide and guru, and it is only mind’s egotistical pride that insists on resisting the impulses that come from your physical wisdom. Your body is always right, even when it is wrong. Indulging in your compulsions is the only way to understand them, but you have to do it with attention and intention to understand, not throwing up mind’s hands and surrendering in a huff, saying, “Ok, you get your way, wake me when you need me for inevitable damage control.”

Your body needs you to stay awake and alive no matter what, no matter how it looks or feels, and to seek the self-trust that provides the magic ingredient for alchemization of your experience.

You learn by doing; you will know you are there only when you actually are there. You will be healed of addictions when you no longer crave them, but the path of resistance can never take you to that desired end. You will always desire things that your mind judges to be wrong until your mind stops judging and starts seeking to understand the meaning of what happens while it is happening.

Your mind is blind, deaf and dumb, the victim of the numbing barrage from the collective mental freak-out, the rebellious, reactive shouting of the unconscious masses. Stop listening to them, and start listening to your ownself.

When you crave with blind raging desire to stuff yourself with sweetness, oblivion or altered awareness, don’t fight the craving. Give in consciously and stay self-lovingly aware as you indulge. Taste what you eat, notice how you feel while in altered states, breathe into your experience with curiosity and the will to accept and understand. Break habits of thought and control first, and physical habits will follow when they are really ready.

Don’t say grudgingly to yourself, “Alright, but just this once.” Don’t impose conditions. Don’t condescend.

Give in lovingly, compassionately, without superior understanding. Know that you do not know what it means, and accept not knowing. Seek not answers from books, teachers or anyone outside your own body of truth. Ask the Consciousness of the Whole for help and support in your journey. Forgive yourself. Constantly.

Forgive yourself, not for what you do, but for the ways that you judge what you do to be bad, wrong, unhealthy or otherwise unacceptable in your own eyes. Forgive your own conditional love for your sweet self. Forgive your petty criticisms, your assumptions and your arrogance. Accept all of your being, the light and the dark, and listen to all of your thoughts, the positive and the negative. Negative thoughts have a teaching to offer: they let you know that a part of you is unhappy with what you are thinking or doing. This does not mean, cave in blindly to every unhappy voice. It means, give each unhappy voice your loving attention and allow its response to be your own. Own it, in other words, as yourself.

Sample situation: suppose you are at a meditation retreat for the purpose of raising your vibration and becoming a more positive and fulfilled being. You are chanting mantras and doing breath exercises in a group.

You are aware of an unhappy voice in the background of your mind: “This is bullshit. I hate this.”
Query from consciousness: “What do you hate about it?”
“It’s stupid and annoying.”
“What is stupid about it?”
“Nobody asked me how I felt about doing this. I hate sitting still. I hate repeating rote thoughts as formulas.”
“What can I do, seeing as how we’re here and committed to the experience, to make it better for you?”
“Listen to me. Feel me.”

Then, allow yourself to do it. Feel how much you hate what you are doing, without abandoning your awareness of the other parts of yourself which are enjoying and thriving in the experience. It is you thinking these things, after all. These thoughts tell a truth about how you really feel that you have not noticed because you believed that to feel it would interfere with having a good experience. Allow the goodness to continue and embrace the badness at the same time. You can do it. You are a great being with room for many internal contradictions and a wide variety of experience. Do not ignore your sad hurting selves.

If a baby cries at a party, somebody needs to care for it, yet the party can go on. Your unhappy thoughts are your own babies crying. You are responsible to them, and ignoring them has long-term consequences.

Allow your body to shift in small ways, to shiver, to quiver in indignation at imposed stillness. Inasmuch as you feel safe to do so, allow small sounds. Notice everything about how it feels to be doing this, stretch your awareness to its limit. Exercise your loving attention. Let your attention go toward, not stopping or controlling your negativity, but increasing and expanding your awareness, acceptance and understanding of yourself. Keep yourself safe by allowing your expression to be appropriate in the context of the situation, and love all parts of you.

Be lovingly-intended toward yourself. You deserve it. All of you.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, September 5th, 2007 at 5:03 pm and is filed under truth and strangeness. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.