Part of a series using the names (in bold font) in the ‘from’ field of spam emails I receive. They’re too good not to use!

Spamville Community News

by Deadline K. Lent

Top story: Spamville native son Frillier K. Recruited has joined the army in an apparent attempt to prove that he ‘is not a homo’. His stepfather, patriot and ex-military man Flagstaff L. Bright, stated to the press, ‘That pussy kid’ll shoot himself in the foot. Those limp wrists can’t hold up a rifle.’

Mr. Recruited’s mother Manana E. Saddling (who uses her maiden name), celebrated down at the Spamville Pub, pouring beer after beer down the reluctant boy’s throat, reportedly shouting, “I knew he had it in him! You go shoot yourself some Ay-rabs, Frilly boy! Whoo-hoo! That’s my little hombre!”

Barstool therapist Houseflies I. Psychoanalysis had this to say about the young man’s chances for military success. “Well, he’s got some steel under those rose petals, and his body language suggests a certain level of determination. I’d say he’ll make it through basic training all right. But under fire? There’s the real test.”

Onlooker Retrospective P. Bias said, “I remember that boy from when he was a kid. He used to run home crying when the other kids picked on him. He won’t last out the first day.”

Slumped on the next barstool, pub regular Baboon Q. Tediousness began a long-winded monologue which drove other customers home.

Over at the barbershop, barber Pigeonholes H. Haircuts went on record with his opinion. “That boy’s a homo, no question in my mind. I had him pegged from the first minute I saw him.”

In other news, ex-Spamville Mayor Defamed R. Vacationing, forced from office under accusations of embezzlement, was heard from recently by email. “I didn’t do it, I swear,” he wrote from the deck of a cruising luxury yacht in the Caribbean.

Suitor M. Straiting is still engaged in his unsuccussful courtship of local girl Kathie V. Transition. “I’m changing and growing, and he’s just so stuck,” she explained, when asked why she kept refusing his offers of marriage.

Scrounger H. Redistributing, owner of second-hand shop ‘Collectibles and Reusables,’ discovered a surprise passenger in a shipment from Toledo. Disgusts V. Stowaway emerged, coughing, from a box that had originally contained fish fertilizer. When asked why he was there, he claimed to have been dared to do it by a reckless ‘so-called friend’, Riskiness T. Jeremy. Mr. Jeremy himself was ‘probably in Alaska by now, and good riddance,’ avowed Mr. Stowaway.

A local man, Pornographic A. Array, has been arrested with an extensive collection of obscene material, including kiddie porn. The porn was being circulated all over the world via the internet by Centrifuge Q. Distribute (also under arrest). Child-protection activist Tenderness B. Crusaded accused unsavoury pair Pigsty P. Displacement and Zefirelli U. Deathly of complicity in the porn ring, using children under their care. Freelance investigator Mulder E. Aggregations is checking into the possibility that this may be part of a global and extraterrestrial conspiracy.

Australian exchange student, Vegemite U. Carom, got into a scrape yesterday with the aid of local boy Wheelbarrow Q. Bugle. Veggie was seen pushing Wheelie full tilt down the middle of Main Street in a barrow full of potato chips and chocolate bars stolen from Spamville Foods. Police caught up with the two by following the sound of Wheelie’s trumpeting voice. The youngsters were reprimanded and the wheelbarrow confiscated.

Marry H. Obtusely has filed for divorce from her husband of two weeks, Fumigator D. Spooned, claiming, “I was an idiot to hook up with this guy. What was I thinking? He smells horrible and then he wants to cuddle up in bed. I haven’t slept a wink in two weeks!”

Local ‘reincarnation cult’ leaders, Turns O. Relives and Preexisted O. Begets, have announced that they have co-written a book of past-life memoirs, entitled “Born Again (and Again, and Again)”. Skeptic crusaders Disputation K. Furze and Unbend I. Ahriman have vowed to do everything in their power to turn people against such rampant fuzzyheaded nonsense, which they claim will ruin the country if left unchecked.

“I don’t see what their problem is,” shrugged publisher Honestly I. Immunity. “I think folks are generally smart enough to stick with what they know is true. These guys have as much right as anybody to tell their story.”

This entry was posted on Wednesday, April 26th, 2006 at 1:55 pm and is filed under humour. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.