Recycling Spam II
I’m beginning to look forward to the spam in my inbox. Sometimes the name in the ‘from’ field provides me with the best laugh of the day! I’ve accumulated a wealth, a veritable cornucopia of deliciously oddball spam names since the last ‘Recycling Spam’, so I figure it’s time to revisit the form. Besides, my number one fan keeps bugging me to write another one… I have enough material now for a whole spam novel, so I’ll do this in segments.
The first episode is devoted to my favourite type of spam name: the ones that tell the story all by themselves, while bearing no resemblance to any actual English proper name.
Backing D. Egregious is the silent (and controlling) partner in a multinational corporation known for its Third-World employee abuses (verging on slavery) and heavy polluting practices. Backing’s ‘lawyer’, Hedges U. Offenses, is infamous for his knowledge of law loopholery and liberal use of sleazy backroom palm-greasing.
This next group of names lends itself well to the tale of a typical Canadian high school, which we will call Spam High.
Hectically P. Roughhouses is the gym teacher, popular with the boys, though the girls prefer their English teacher, Skitters R. Nightingale. Mr. Nightingale unfortunately suffers much from the practical jokes and vexatious teasing of the boys in the class as well as Mr.Roughhouses himself. The girls swoon over Skitters’ poetry, which makes the boys jealous and threatens poor Hectically, whose vocabulary is rather limited.
The principal, McLeod D. Haughty, not known for her ‘people skills’, has her hands full mediating a feud between the brilliant new computing teacher, Cybernetics D. Gingkoe and the aged chemistry teacher, Microbe H. Gangrening. Mr. Gangrening, envious of the cachet that computing carries with kids in the modern world, has taken every opportunity to poison the students against Mr. Gingkoe’s classes (to no avail, I might add). Mr. Gingkoe, in turn, thinks Mr. Gangrening is a repulsive old troll and makes his opinion known with acerbic wit, much to the students’ glee.
The ‘bad kid’ in school, Scorning O. Hallucinates (who is chronically high in class), is becoming a thorn in the side of the Social Studies teacher, Ms. Blighted D. Occident. Ms. Occident’s bigoted western-centric view of history and the world in general strikes Scorning as impossibly narrow, and he heckles her mercilessly from the back of the room.
Drama and music teachers Coy D. Mississippi and Flutist H. Rhone have caused some drama of their own with their newly-fledged lesbian romance. More than one boy has been smitten with Miss Mississippi’s soft beauty and Southern charm, while Ms. Rhone has been known to lacerate her less-than-brilliantly-gifted students with sharply-edged criticisms, puncturing their self-esteem and all but destroying any musical career aspirations.
Gdansk K. Southerlies, the new kid from the south of Poland, was himself hopelessly in love with Coy and has conceived a jealous hatred of Ms. Rhone (though himself her star student). He has been muttering darkly in the hallways (in Polish) about little else, frightening some of the younger students terribly.
This situation is causing no end of concern to the spiritual leadership of the community, who consider the doings at the school to be within their province. The strongest pressure comes from the Catholic priest, Crucifix H. Burnside and the United Church minister, Simpling D. Eulogy. Father Burnside demands that the school immediately fire both women, who will surely be further punished with eternal Hell; Reverend Eulogy holds out hope for their redemption, but also calls for a ‘compassionate’ dismissal.
Simpling, unbeknownst to anyone, has a daughter by an estranged former wife. His daughter (who calls herself Fishes H. Patricide), a proud lesbian, has rebuffed all attempts at contact by her father. Simpling blames her mother, Brigitte N. Sargent, for marrying a weakling she could dominate (Lawrence Bland). In Simpling’s mind, Brigitte twisted Fishes’ attitude towards men and therefore, him. Simpling’s motives aren’t as simple as they seem.
Believe it or not, as I write, a new spam name has come into my Inbox:
Epoch F. Sweated, who has been waiting forever for this opportunity, arrived breathlessly at the last minute–just under the wire–in order to make it into this story. Epoch is chronically late for class, is picked last for every team, is terrified of girls and is basically just waiting for school to end.
The drama continues at Spam High.
Watch for the next episode of Recycling Spam.