I get a fair amount of spam, though not nearly as much as some people do. It used to really bug me. I hated it. I would growl and hit the delete key hard. Then I started to notice that some of the names in the ‘from’ field were actually pretty funny. Now spam has become entertainment! Peter and I swap our favourite spam names of the day, and I’ve developed quite a collection by going through my Deleted Items and culling out the weirdest and wackiest of the bunch.

My favourites are the ones that tell a story all by themselves.

Spectrum H. Shirk, the ultimate lazy man’s hero, is able to effortlessly avoid the full range of work-related behaviors.

Poor Lancer G. Atonement, who once committed a vile crime, has had to make up for it the hard way.

Flunked A. Satinwood suffered a tragic childhood educational trauma, but was redeemed by learning to craft fine wooden cabinets.

Muffs L. Showeriest, the high-school tramp, later went into the sex trade, to be cruelly treated by her sleazy pimp, Shinning I. Dooms.

Injury-prone Banging B. Agony is the maltreated blue-collar employee of heartless but wealthy industry mogul, Martinet H. Tyrannies.

Omelet Brister had a run-in with con artist Dexter Deal, and has regretted it ever since, but some things can’t be remedied (like broken eggs). Of course, Dexter got away with it; he gets away with everything.

Titted H. Kruger, however, never had a break in his life until he met his future wife, Lorinda Herring, who will never let him forget that she was the best thing to ever happen to him.

I love the ones that mix and match ethnicities:

McIntyre Joaquin… Scottish and Spanish…
Nils Duarte? Scandinavian-Spanish.
Neelan Gendreau sounds Indian and French.
Tuan Carmack… Vietnamese and ….?
Guiseppe Cortes is obviously Italian and Spanish.
Zebedee Silva is the son of a Puritan mother from Plymouth Rock and a Portuguese father.
Che Magee comes from a revolutionary Irish background.

But wait… there’s more. These ones I think of as ‘fiction names’… if you’re trying to think of a good name for a character in a book or story you’re writing, look no further:

Zabrina Frey is a poverty-stricken waitress daydreaming of being rescued by a rich customer, who arrives in the form of Chauncey Buttington. Chauncey is on the rebound from his childhood sweetheart, Cherry Valentin, who rejected him when she became a lesbian. Chauncey’s mother, soap-opera star Chanel Collins, refuses to allow Zabrina to stay with Chauncey, however, and bribes Rudolph Nicewander (who needs the money but isn’t a bad guy, really) to woo Zabrina away from her son, “who is too good for that cheap floozy.”

Sanford Staples, hard-up small-time Hollywood agent, is trying to find a good role for his washed-up former star, Rex Tallent. However, up-and-coming youngsters like Royal Bogle and Dallas Militano have been scooping all the good leads.

Noemi Knight wrote a scholarly feminist treatise which was scathingly criticized by reactionary anti-feminist icon Calista Goin, whose claim that women are biologically predetermined to serve men was ‘proved’ by quoting various scientific studies. Calista’s work was lionized by gay New York Post science columnist Bruce Numbers, whose lover, Brooks Sprague, once met Calista at an art opening and was impressed by her sense of style.

Eustace Bender, a failed salesman (he lost a big account that day), got drunk and was robbed in an alleyway by Dirk Bowling. Dirk, good-hearted but desperate, used the $75 he found in Bender’s wallet to purchase the drugs from back-alley pharmacist Jonah Testa that were needed to save his son Peabody’s life.

Chadwick Kimble and Violet Bake are both in the church choir, but only Violet can sing. Chadwick gets by on good looks and the fact that the choir leader, Melba Alexander, has a crush on him. Valentine Cyran, on the other hand, has a voice like a nightingale, much admired by music critic Vaughn Torred, mentor of child star Chasity Torres.

Efren Iott was a devotee of famed Eastern mystic Confucius Rouse, until he was deprogrammed by his pragmatic (and ham-fisted) friends, Tybalt Hammer and Storm Gee. Tybalt and Storm were a little over-enthusiastic in their deprogramming, and poor Efren suffered severe permanent brain damage.

I haven’t made these up, I swear. And that’s just scratching the surface. There are so many more! What about Wilmer Colon? Poor guy, I feel sorry for him already. And Malory Goins! That slimy bastard! How could I forget poor Athelstan Norman? Now his is a sad tale.

These people live! Twanna Willis, country gal, fell in love with Woodrow Tuton, smooth-talking city fella. And Kip Effner tries so hard, but his boss Horatio Gaete just won’t give him any respect.

Some of these folks could only belong in a lurid romance novel, while others would be at home in a murder mystery. Some are victims (Ody Spafford), while others are villains (King Dodson). Some would fit right into a Tom Robbins, Kurt Vonnegut or J. K. Rowling novel.

This is a recycled post. It originally appeared on Word of Mouth on November 28 / 05. One day soon, I’ll write another one; I keep accumulating more great spam names! My favourite from yesterday was  “Backing D. Egregious”: Backing is the silent controlling partner in a corporation known for its Third-World employee abuse (verging on slavery) and heavy polluting practices…

This entry was posted on Monday, January 16th, 2006 at 12:37 pm and is filed under humour. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.